Why do we treat our most negative attributes as the upholding pillars of our character? Admitting to the positive ones is not really permitted – unless quickly followed by a self-deprecating, sarcy antidote. Even then you run the risk of ‘sounding like a prat’.
This is perhaps mostly why the thought of a Self Help Book insights a bizarre panic in me. And why it took a glossy, eloquent, cajoling American to sell me the idea. The idea that a self help book can actually, well, help. Rather than just cause internal suffering.
I listened to Tara Mohr speak(/cajole) at the South Bank Centre WOW festival, about her new book ‘Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Mission, Your Message’ By playing big she means following and achieving what you want, whatever that is.
- YOU DON’T NEED TO GAIN CONFIDENCE OR ERADICATE SELF-DOUBT
You just need a different relationship with your self-doubt.
Mohr is not a fan of those articles that shriek ‘GET CONFIDENCE STOP DOUBT AND GET WHAT YOU WANT’. It’s a tad delusional to think anyone could find desired confidence purely from reading that they ought to have it.
Her suggestions are more practical. We accept self-doubt as a life long companion, but learn not to take orders from it.
Ways to accomplish this: Firstly make a note of all the things the little self-doubt goblin whispers to you. You will likely see a pattern emerging, which somewhat undermines its authority. Secondly, personify this voice! It can be a character from a film or book, or someone you are competitive with. This way it’s easier to detach from the voice of self-doubt, and use it as a screw you! spring board instead.
- FEEDBACK ONLY REFLECTS ON THE PERSON GIVING IT, NOT ON YOU.
This blew my mind. Now it seems obvious.
Mohr is not saying that we should ignore feedback. She is suggesting that it should never be taken personally. If a piece of your writing is badly received by a workshop, then it tells you about your target audience. If an idea of yours gets shot down in a meeting, then it tells you something about what the company is looking for. It does not say that your writing, or idea, is dreadful by definition.
This is even more important to internalise when faced with intentionally personal feedback. Especially relevant to women – recent studies have shown that women are thirty times more likely to be criticised for their personality in the work place than men.
Allow this criticism to reflect more on the person giving it than on you, and liberate yourself from the internal questioning and doubt that could bubble up and boil over.
- TAP INTO YOUR INNER MENTOR
Mohr suggests that this is achieved by finding a way of thinking that could be yourself in twenty years from now – older, wiser and with perspective. There is a CD that comes with the book to help you meditate your way to discovering this mentor. Very in touch with hers, Mohr said she consulted ‘her’ on how to decorate her house this year.
This befuddles me. Considerably.
So I find it more helpful to interpret this concept as a kind of alter ego. An alter ego that’s still you, but a you who isn’t bogged down with daily concerns and fear of judgement.
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
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